Terror On "The 10"

Some of you have heard this story already. Some of you haven't. For those of you who have, I apologize.

It was my first week out here and I was still staying with my girlfriend's Great Aunt Rhoda in Santa Monica. I had only been here about four or five days, and so I hadn't yet gotten used to LA's style of driving; that being one of driving like a complete pussy with random patches of reckless abandon thrown in. To make matters worse, I was driving this at the time:

That's right. A 1991 Ford Festiva. This one's a little nicer though. But don't feel too bad for me, it was only a rental.

So I believe this took place on a Wednesday, my third day of work. I had been leaving for work unnecessarily early the first two days because I was somewhat unsure of where I was going. After getting to work about forty-five minutes early both days, I decided it would be alright to allow myself a little more time at Rhoda's in the morning. I mean, if traffic is clear at 9:00, surely it will be clear at 9:30, right? ...Right?

Wrong.

Touch and go traffic as soon as I get onto I-10. That's another thing I hate about LA traffic: completely unpredictable. So I immediately go into a panic:

"Shit, I haven't driven in traffic out here yet."
OR
"Shit, what if I'm late for work because of this?"
OR
"Shit." (Ya know, just in general...)

So I drive along in the traffic for a while. I'm holding my own, ya know nothing fancy but I think I might be turning a few heads. I soon realize I need to get all the way over to the right so as to get onto I-405 which will take me north to Van Nuys, where my office is. Traffic is moving at a somewhat steady pace at this point, so I quickly turn my head to the right to see if I have room to get over. I don't. And to add insult to injury, traffic in front of me has completely stopped and I don't have enough time to stop and avoid hitting the car in front of me. So, I hit the car. I still remember my first thought: "Shit."

So obviously this sucks, and I start to feel some serious anxiety. Here I am, in the middle of a strange city on the opposite side of the country, with no friends or anyone to lend a guiding hand, and I need to deal with this now. I obviously feel terrible about the whole thing. To make matters worse, we're still in stop and go traffic, so I really had no choice but to follow the person until he or she decides to pull over so we can assess the situation. Very awkward: me trying to see what this person looks like by looking in their rearview mirror, they trying to do the same. We putter along in traffic for quite a while and I even miss my exit. I'm wondering where this person is going to lead me.

Finally, a break in the monotony. The driver of the car I had hit stops in the middle of the lane and gets out of his newish looking Honda Civic. I assume he's as fed up as I am with dealing with the traffic. As he exits his car, however, he's holding "The Club" in his hands. "Hm," I think, "I wonder what he could possibly need that for."

The owner steps out of his car, club in hand, and assesses the damage done to the rear of his car which was, in my opinion, not too bad. I figure now he'll approach me, understandably angry, and we could exchange information and just forget about the whole situation. How wrong I was.

He walks up to my window:

Man: (Pointing to his car) What the fuck is that?
Me: (Feeling terrible, somewhat at a loss for words) I know...I'm sorry.

He then walks away from the window and proceeds to smash my front headlight with his club. He then turned back to me and saracastically yelled, "Sorry!" Then he got back into his car and drove off.

I was stunned. My first feelings were honestly of relief. "Joke's on him," I thought, "little does he know this is just a shitty rental car. Plus he has to pay for that damage himself now." I never even thought to get his license # or anything.

Remember how I said it was awkward following a guy you had just hit in traffic? Scratch that. Awkward is being directly behind a guy in traffic who had moments before smashed your Festiva's headlight with a club. Eventually I got off the highway so I could find another way to work. Unfortunately as I drove on it became more and more apparent that the original collision had somehow fucked up my car beyond anything I could possible do about it. It kept stalling on me and then started smoking. Eventually it died and I had to have a guy from Rent-A-Wreck come and pick me up. That was the last time I ever saw that old girl. It was tough after we had been through so much together in such a small amount of time. Don't worry though. Soon after, I was cruising around in this:

What I'm Sure You Were Dying To See

Rather than sitting motionless like I usually do, I decided to take some pictures of my apartment for everyone. Enjoy. And please, try not to get too envious.


This is my computer and the desk it sits upon. I got that desk from Target and it took me about forty-eight hours to put together, although to be fair that's partially because I didn't have a screwdriver for the first forty-six. As cool as the Heineken pyramid looks, all six of those cans were not consumed in one night/sitting. But don't give me too much credit, that still means I drink alone sometimes.


This is the kitchen/empty space portion of the apartment. As small as it looks, it is even less functional. Although to be fair, my still full suitcase fit nicely into that space. The kitchen and I still need to take some time to get to know one another. It's kind of awkward living together at the moment.


This is the view you would get of my air mattress if you were to stand outside the door to take a picture of the air mattress. Note the bitchin' map on the wall. And yes, that is Fiji water on the floor. I mean, come on, this is LA folks! To the very right of the air mattress is a large window with views of the city. I took these pictures at night so I didn't bother trying to show it. Someday, though.


This is my sink with various things surrounding it. I'm as impressed as you are that I took the initiative to buy handsoap. The more I look at this picture the more uncomfortable I become showing it to the public. Oh well, too late now.

And now the Grand Finale...


Ooh La La indeed.

So there you have it, guys. For those of you who are worried about me, I'm sorry this did nothing to ease your minds. To be honest, this place really isn't that bad, and I'm slowly starting to settle in here. I have plans in the near future to get a futon/sofa, a refrigerator, a rug and some more shelf/counter space for the kitchen. Then come the appliances and ultimately the dishes and the food. Let's not go crazy, though. Oh also I have a 20" TV but its just sitting on the floor right now and not all that interesting.

In other news, I had my first random celebrity sighting today: Andy Richter! He was in Target with his two little kids. He was making some funny voice and one of his kids was like, "Stop it, Dad!" I didn't say hi or bother him or anything, and he did the same for me.

Oh Hey. How Are Things?

Hello to the dozen or so friends and family members who happened to stumble upon this. Whoever you are, you likely already have a close, personal relationship with me so I won't bother introducing myself or explaining what this blog is about, you already know.

I have been out here for three weeks and I am just now getting the chance to sit down and do this. Starting my new job, finding an apartment and being lonely have taken up a good chunk of my time thus far. I'd like to update this as much as possible, hopefully with some pictures and other fun stuff. If there is anything specific you would like me to discuss or expand upon, please let me know in the comments and I will do my best to do so.

Here's a list of things in my apartment right now:

-An air mattress
-A large map of the tri-state area (CT, NY, NJ and PA...I guess that makes four states. [Editor's Note: It DOES make four states.])
-This computer
-Myself

I hope that gives you some insight to my current living situation.

Be back soon. Love youuu.